Dear all, I'm writing this email to let you all know that I won't coxing for the NUBC Senior Women's Squad after Women's Head of the River. As most of you will know, I changed my degree back in January and got final confirmation of this yesterday. This leaves me in with 100 credits to study this semester, and 110 being examined in just a couple of months - not something I particularly relish, but unfortunately something unavoidable if I don't want to repeat the year. This, plus the other commitments in my life leave little time for something that I'm not improving at, learning from, and just not enjoying very much. I am deeply saddened to be in this position, but by withdrawing now, I have endeavoured to minimise any disruption that I may cause to the squad. I wish you all the very best of luck in all of your races, and whilst I might not be in the boat with you or on the bank cheering you on, you will all be very much in my thoughts. Yours, Gigi

To cut a long story short (and thus get to the relevance) I wasn't happy. The people and the attitudes I was working with just weren't working for me, and I for them. Every day that I went out on the water I was worn down a bit, and little by little, the thing I loved turned into something I despised. Something I thought and told I was good at, became a pinnicle of inadequacy. Day by day it changed a little more, and I changed with it - from a happy, confident person happy to be on the water to miserable bitter and twisted wreck living in some sort of rowing purgatory. Some lyrics from an Annie Lennox song I was listening to at the time sum it up perfectly I think, and I could hear myself chanting them in my head, even whilst on the water. I knew then (back in January) that it was only a matter of time.

"Don't you know I tried and tried again to make you listen to me

But everything I said it always seemed to go right through you

I turned myself into a person that I didn't like

But please believe me when I say I know it wasn't right

I never thought that things would get to be so complicated

I never thought that you and me would end up so frustrated

You'd think that something had to come from all those good intentions

But in the end I needed something more than intervention"

Rowing, (when it gets to my obsessional level at least!) to me was like a relationship, and all the feelings I was going through were parallels to a break up with a long term boyfriend. (this is the intended subject of my next article)

But, here's the part of real relevance. Only when I reached breaking point and found the strength to stand up and leave, was I able to say "coxing here wasn't right, but that doesn't mean that coxing in itself isn't right". Only once you find the strength to remove yourself from a situation, can you gain the perspective you need to find clarity and either rectify or find positive aspects from the experience. Just because a particular squad or club is wrong for you (and let's not forget sometimes you wrong for it!) doesn't mean that your coxing is inherently bad. Maybe you're with the wrong gender, the wrong ability group (for I still maintain that some people have a special talent for novices and can be amazing coxes but not really hit it for seniors and visa versa) or even age group. But think about it rationally - did David Beckham when he wasn't happy at Man U say "well, Fergie doesn't like me, I must be crap at football, so I think I'll just quit and work in a factory somewhere"? No. But like everybody else, for coxes to improve and learn, they need to be an environment where they feel happy, safe, and they are supported by the crew and coach.

And as for me? Well, I'm still checking a coxing website aren't I? I'm moving University next year (going to Durham, British University Rowing Champions) and I'm going to see what happens there. My experiences here at Newcastle weren't happy by any means, and not something I'd repeat again, but in order not to make it a purely traumatic experience, I have to take something from it. And that is what I emplore from every single one of you. For from every outing, club, or any experience in life, no matter how bad, we can take something from it. Every one of us has the ability to take something wholly negative and turn it into something worthwhile and positive. If you can do that in every training session and in fact in everything you do, then not only will you be a better cox, but you'll be a better person for it, I am sure.

Rise up coxes!

RedWellies
 

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